Now this is a resumé. Or something. Definitely something.
Brilliant henchman seeks evil genius.
Brilliant Henchman Seeks Evil Genius: Exp. in administration,
technology, data, world domination
The story of my past is long and colorful but unimportant. What you
must know is that I am brilliant, talented, hard-working, and utterly
unambitious. In challenging environments that paralyze others, I
thrive. When confronted with the unknown, I learn at astounding speed.
I am at my best when someone points at a goal and says, "Make this
happen," whether the goal is as simple as an office process
improvement or as complex as a comprehensive feasibility study on the
placement of orbital death ray satellites. No doubt, I would be
comfortably ensconced in a successful and lucrative career if it were
not for one tragic defect: I have no specific job-related goals of my
The obvious solution is to find someone with specific goals and serve
them. Hence, I am a henchman. Your henchman, if you'll have me. No
task is too low for me, no challenge is too great. I specialize in
making unreasonable and even impossible demands happen. The
particulars of your goal don't matter. Are you a psychic hoping to
influence key figures in the government? A warlord intending working
to create an unstoppable arsenal? A megalomaniac bent on controlling
the world supply of tapioca by means of an insidious and improbable
method of mind control? I'm your man.
All I ask for is a steady stream of new tasks and responsibilities. My
talents are wasted if I'm filling a niche somewhere repetitive or
unnecessary, and my enthusiasm and devotion drop lower and lower the
longer I'm left in such a position. With me at your side, there's no
limit to what you can accomplish.
Farm hand, family farm (Flasher, ND) 1993-96: Hard work. Learned
general mechanical, carpentry, veterinary, heavy equipment, and
agricultural skills. Reason for leaving: No one ever stays on the
family farm. Leaving was a literary necessity.
Henchman, Prof. Green (U of MN Botany Dept) 1996-97: Hired to take
dictation for maniacal manifesto, feed carnivorous corn-shrew hybrids.
Eventually responsible for fortification of hidden greenhouse lair and
diverting operatives of secret international police organizations.
Reason for leaving: Employer devoured by own creation; presumed dead.
Sales and Support, General Nanosystems (Minneapolis, MN) 1997-1999:
Built, sold, and repaired custom desktop and server systems. Learned
general computer hardware, networking, installation skills. Used
skills for a brief period of freelance solutions-providing and an
endless Purgatory of tech support for friends and family. Reason for
leaving: Success and growth of employer led to position becoming
repetitive unnecessary niche-filling.
Henchman, L33tM4st3r (Apple Valley, MN) 1999-2000: Maintained website
and served as admin on messageboard. Proofread code snippets which
contained cleverly hidden clues about employer's nefarious
machinations, posted to aforementioned messageboard. Obtained rare
radioactive isotopes for army of open-source cyborg zombies. Made
coffee. Reason for leaving: Personal differences. Also, lair hidden in
employer's parents' basement exploded when insufficiently subdued
operative of secret international police organization successfully
triggered the clearly labeled self-destruct button; employer presumed
Data Analyst, Pillsbury (Minneapolis, MN) 2000-2001: Hired as basic
data entry for massive SAP implementation project. Learned Access and
Visual Basic on my own time, built database to automate data entry.
Resulted in promotion for me, loss of employment for thirteen other
data entry personnel. Coordinated and managed gathering of data from
multiple sources, created tools to integrate and analyze. Reason for
leaving: Project completed. Nothing left to do.
Henchman, Hugh Mann (Location undisclosed) 2001: Coordinated and
verified data comprising the sum of all human knowledge; required
transition of database from Access to Oracle. Successfully resisted
interrogation efforts by operatives of secret international police
organization. Made coffee. Reason for leaving: Employer actually
self-aware software coalesced on Internet, collecting all data to form
a new virtual universe it would rule as a god. Plot ended when spunky
and irreverent young computer genius working for secret international
police organization uploaded a virus to the Internet with a floppy
disk; employer presumed deleted.
Office Administrator, Cenveo (Minneapolis, MN) 2001-present: Process
analysis and improvement. Built databases and interfaces to streamline
entry, analysis, and reporting for numerous departments. Work with
teams developing processes for new clients. Worked with design team
for enterprise-level eCatalog; built tools for and participated in
full black-box QA testing. Recognized multiple times for initiatives
which saved the company over $10,000. Reason for wanting to leave:
What do I care if I can lubricate the workings of some impersonal
corporation? Now, if I can become the henchman of a particular person
within a corporation, that's fine. But otherwise I'm just a glorified
If no conquerors are hiring at the moment, I am reluctantly willing to
devote my energies to more plausible opportunities. Are you a
businessperson looking to improve efficiency or delegate tasks? An
academic in need of help researching and analyzing data or managing
day-to-day minutia? A political activist seeking organizational and
strategic assistance? A wealthy eccentric in need of an ingenious and
loyal lackey to answer your strangest questions and serve your
interests? Give me your goals. I'll give you your dreams.